Well its official.

This is my first journal entry in over a year and a half being single.

Lindsay and I tried to have a pleasant day in Mackinaw City yesterday, finally making it down to the reenactment at the fort. Unfortunately, the day went to shit and Lindsay told me she didn't want to talk until we got home. I know that we've both been hurting and my position in the matter was that we had to end. I'm tired of hurting and straining a relationship out of this, just as Lindsay is.

So we reach an interesting crossroads at this point, one that I welcome. I finally have a chance to think clearly and find out what I want with my life. Lindsay, as it sounds from her journal and from talking to her, still has it in her heart that 'us' might be a possible option, although a very slight one.

But what would it take to work? Could it work? That is what we both must decide. If it were to work, we have to realize that we can't just put a patch on this and move along. Still, is it the right thing to do? How does one get back with someone after something like this? Does the fact that I did it mean I'm truly not happy with Lindsay? Maybe it was stress or work, or the fact that we got too comfortable in our relationship. Many people have said that I didn't respect or value Lindsay like I should have, but I don't know if that is fully true. I will admit that we stopped saying nice things to each other, to me it seems, long before this came along. Were we just drifting along in our relationship until something happened?

Time to think is needed by both of us.

I can think of a million ways I would like to try and 'win' Lindsay over, and get her back, but I can't bring myself to do them. There are always going to be people in this world that have some qualities better than other people, but is that enough to make you want to always keep trying with someone new? Or is that a sign that you weren't supposed to be with the other person to begin with? I told Lindsay not to throw away some of my things that I made/bought her. I don't know that we will ever have a chance to get back together, but I know that I'm sick of feelign like shit, day in day out, and have to put all this behind me regardless.

And what of the other girl? I don't know that a relationship could work on that side either. Of course she feels slighted that I did the necessary and tried to see if Lindsay and I could work. Now that we failed again, I don't know what will come of her either. Will she still talk to me? Will we have an ackward silence between us forever? I don't even know when I would see the other girl next, so it might be a while until I find out.

The two girls are so much different and yet so the same. Sometimes I wish I could have both, othertimes I wish I knew niether.

I think back to when Lindsay said she would do anything for me (a few days ago) and I believe that she was telling the truth. I hope she realized that I would do just about anything for her too. I was fortunate that she had a relatively loose schedule, so that we could hang out when we did. She says that she would do anything for me, and even though we had surprises in our relationship, we should have done more, and not just relied on the status quo to get us through. I think back to the hours I spent making her presents, such as her yearly Sweetest's Day creations, and her Luv Hut, and I think of things I did out of sentimental excuses, like the flower I gave her on our 500 day anniversary, the Darth Vader picture, and the time I made her a trail of fake flowers. Sure there are the things I bought her as well, such as her 99 Christmas Presents I bought her, but those things don't mean as much--which I understand all the better now as well.

I hope that someday I will be back in that mood, and that I have someone to enjoy it when I am. I know that working all the time is a killer to both sides of a relationship, especially 60-70 hours a week.

Anyway, enough rambling for today, time to go yell at some students.

See ya,

Cody

...well here goes nothing.

I'm probably the last person to report this, but still I'd like to get out at least some of my views (what I feel comfortable with, anyway) to the masses and masses (read: four people) who read my blog.

I cheated on Lindsay.

There's the simple version of what the fuck my life has been turned into. If only things were so clear cut. Nothing in this life is ever clear cut, but life is just a infinite series of decisions. Perhaps I made some wrongs ones, perhaps I made some right ones, but decisions nonetheless, and my decisions at that.

While Lindsay was out of town, I met someone. Have you ever gotten that feeling that you knew someone forever? Even though you just met the person? Well, that's kinda how it all started. In a very long and confusing chain of events, I find myself thinking about this other person all the time. Perhaps its infatuation, but that should have worn off by now, especially since we already shared the most sincere act that two people can. This girl works at Wal-Mart, maybe you know who it is, maybe you don't, but please don't spread it around town. She is a very well mannered girl, although you probably wouldn't believe me if you are reading this or have heard what transpired.

I tried to give subtle signs to Lindsay when she got back, like not hugging, or looking the other way, perhaps this was juvenile, but perhaps it did what I needed it to--show Lindsay that all was not well, and that we needed to talk. Maybe in my head the excitement of our relationship wore to the point where I gave in to temptation that felt right at the moment. Either way, what's done is done. The conversations I've had with her, Lindsay, my parents, Marco, Katie, Karen, and a lot of other Wal-Mart friends have been helpful, but also made me realize that I could really give three shits less what someone else thinks. I know I'm a good human being, and that one act won't change that. Does that mean I'm perfect in my own eyes? Certainly not. I could have gotten feelings, discussed them over with Lindsay and saw what we could do to improve our relationship, to spice it up or whatnot. I could have told Lindsay I had feelings and needed to be apart from her, without cheating on her. I could have done many things, but at the time and even now, I'm not sure I made the wrong decision.

But what will come of this? Linday and I talked and she said she needed time to consider if she could take me back after what I did. She has now made the decision that she will. She loves me (as I love her, though she hates when I say that), and wants to attempt the toughest thing two people can do--work past infidelity. I on the other hand said I needed time to decide what to do as well. The feelings I have for this other girl are so strong that sometimes I just have to wonder exactly what I stepped into, who did I find, was it destiny?

I am having a hell of a tough time thinking, in part to my own confusion. On Tuesday, I cancelled the dinner I was going to make for the other girl, so that I could take a five hour walk and try to clear my head a little. I cancelled the dinner because when I was having a very deep conversation with the other girl the night before, some of her ideas scared me. She is so passionate about certain things in my life, hurdles that conflict with my own ideal career and life path. Still, I find myself living out that life in my head and seeing what could come of it. Well, it ended up that on Tuesday, Lindsay called me an hour into my walk and said she was ready to talk. I went over and it was uneasy at first, but pleasant after that. I worry now about something else. After Michelle broke up with me and we pushed so hard to get back together--and failed--she said she did so because it felt familiar. Is that what I might be thinking? Is Lindsay just familiar to me? There is sadly no way to know without finding out. Later that night Lindsay and I "rekindled" if you will, and since then I have been just as, if not more than confused. I enjoyed being with Lindsay again, but still find myself thinking of the other girl. As hard as it would be to go back to Lindsay, she is the easy choice. I mean, we were together for about a year and a half, with no problems--ever. Maybe she didn't voice them, but I know I had nothing to complain about.

So Lindsay went on her retreat for Orientation Staff (aka a bunch of people who fucking hate me) and what did I do, try to think things through. However, I did hang out with the other girl twice on Wednesday. They both have certain traits that attract me to them. Lindsay is dependable, loving, caring, has a great family, and wants to live her life around me. The other girl is spontaneous. hilarious, genuine, outgoing, loud, independent (and yet more dependent) and proactive. They are both beautiful, have fun with me. Enjoy similiar things as me, and are very fun to be around. I also can't help myself around them.

So today Linday and the other girl both come back to town. I'm scared shitless. I know they are both going to call me at some point, and I had so hoped that I could have a decision by now, but if there is a decision there, I know I can't find it. What do you do when you feel like you should be with one, but find yourself always thinking about the other? Someone at work, a new friend of mine, told me that I should just let them both go. If I can't make a decision because my feelings for one aren't strong enough to pick them over the other, then I shouldn't be with either. Another person at work is just telling me to be single for a while and see how I like that. The problem with both of those are that I know in my heart and head the right decision is there I just have to see it.

The most logical thing I can think of is to try and make it work with Lindsay. This would benefit us in several ways.
1. I could reconnect with her and we could try hard to make it work.
2. I could realize that it isn't what I want anymore in my life, and in fact I didn't make the wrong decision, merely a poorly timed one.
3. Lindsay could discover that she really can't forgive me and she could break it off from the pressure and images in her head.

The problem is that I've already hurt both of them and myself so much, I just want to make it all stop. There isn't an easy solution, but then there usually isn't when it comes to relationships.

I don't care if you hate me, think I'm worthless or any of that shit, I'm dealing with decisions as they come along.

I just hope I make the right ones.