Another Tale of Clerks
(A Tribute to Kevin Smith)

(Scene is set at the Quikstop. Shot of outside, fade in towards door. As per usual, the main door is not open, since the lock is full of gum. There is a large sign hanging from the wall that reads ‘I assure you, we’re open.’ Shot of counter where Dante is standing with a face of disbelief)

Dante-I can’t believe I’m watching this.

(Camera switches to a shot of a man feeling all the candy bars made by a certain brand. Another shot of Dante’s face. Just then Randal walks in the store. He walks up to the counter, jumps up and sits on it.)

Dante-Would you mind not doing that?

Randal-What crawled up your ass? (Randal gets down and leans against the counter. Suddenly he notices the man selecting candy bars.) What’s up with that?

Dante-Yummi’s is having a promotion for free candy bars. They put a little sticker inside that says you won. Supposedly you can feel the difference in weight for the ones that have the sticker.

Randal-I see. And that’s why the guys just going through all of them?

Dante-Yup, but I still can’t believe I’m watching this.

Randal-Oh come on, nothing should surprise you anymore, especially after the things that took place here before. Besides, if he bugs you so much, why don’t you just ask him to stop?

Dante-I tried. He just kept asking if I had any more candy in the stock room.

Randal-Well…do you?

Dante-That doesn’t matter! (Sighs.) You know you’re not helping any.

Randal-I just don’t get it. If you want him to leave, go over there and help him find what he wants.

Dante-What?! How would that make sense?

Randal-See that’s your problem, you don’t realize the gist of these jobs, you don’t always need to be super friendly to the customers. I mean, if we did that all the time, the customers would just keep coming back for more. (Short pause.) Lord knows we don’t want that.

Dante-Would you listen to yourself? God…you sound like my father being cynical, except I know you are being serious.

(Randal gets up and goes over to the man. As the man slowly picks up a bar, Randal does the same. The man gives him a dirty look. The man slowly runs his fingers down the candy bar. Randal again mimics. The man drops the bar and reaches for another. Randal ditches his choice and reaches for another as well. Randal does all of this staring at the man. The man gives him an incredulous look. Randal gives one back. The man throws the candies in his hand to the floor. Randal’s face changes to innocent.)

Randal-What?

Man-Your store sucks! (He exits.)

Dante-There are you happy? Geez, now I lost a customer. (Dante begins stocking the cigarettes. Randal comes back and leans on the counter.)

Randal-A customer? You were the one that said you wanted him out of here anyway.

Dante-Yeah I know…but you just don’t make them leave like that.

(Dante crouches down to get more cigarettes from below the counter. Just then two police officers enter the Quikstop. Officer 1 walks up to Randal)

Officer 1-You work here son?

Randal-Nope.

Officer 2-You a customer?

Randal-Nope.

Officer 1-Well then who works here?

(Dante suddenly rises from behind the counter with some cartons of cigarettes.)

Dante-Whoa! What’s going on here?

Officer 2-Do you work here?

Dante-Yeah I guess so.

Officer 1-You guess so? Do you or don’t you?

Dante-Sure I do.

Officer 1-We’ve gotten another report of drug peddlers operating in your parking lot.

Dante-Oh man, I told them to scram before. (Officer 2 begins walking through the store, as he walks past the window, Jay and Silent Bob, the local drug peddlers are seen poking their faces up in the window)

Officer 1-Anyway, the next time you see them out there, you call us okay?

Randal-Before or after we buy the drugs? (Officer 1 opens his mouth as if to speak, but is cut off by Dante.)

Dante-Randal! Shut up! Look, we--

Officer 1-Are you saying that—

Dante-No, we don’t buy the drugs. (Wide eyed.) You will have to excuse my friend here; sometimes he likes to make jokes. He thinks he is funny. I assure you that we try to get them to leave every time we see them. Next time we see them we’ll call you.

Randal-I’m not calling them, this is a free country.

Dante-Not free to do illegal things! Man, I hate this job!

Officer 1-Yeah you do that. Hey Frank you ready? (Officer 2 walks back up)

Officer 2-Yeah I’m ready. Hey your candy aisle is a hazardous obstacle. We should write you up for having an unsafe walkway. Someone could trip on that and hurt themselves.

Dante-That just happened, I’ll clean it up in a minute.

Officer 2-Make sure you do. And I’ll take one of these. (Throws a Yummi’s candy bar on the counter.)

Dante-60 cents. (Officer 2 throws down three quarters.)

Officer 2-Keep the change. Consider it a tip. (Smiles, opens the candy bar and walks out with Officer 1. Shot to outside.)

Officer 2-Hey, I won a free candy bar! (Man who was checking bars earlier runs up and snatches the candy bar.)

Officer 2-What do you think you are doing?! Hey! (The two officers chase after him. In the meantime, Jay and Silent Bob run from the side of the building and hop in the police car. Tires screech and they are off. The officers upon hearing this turn and run in the opposite direction. Camera switches back to inside. Randal is watching the panic from inside the window.)

Randal-Almost closing time hey?

Dante-Oh wow, I completely lost track of time. I’ll get the keys. Oh shit. What about all the candy on the floor?

Randal-Ah, pick it up tomorrow, it’s not going anywhere. (They walk outside the building.)

Dante-Man some days I hate this job. Nothing exciting ever happens around here. (Gets out the keys to lock up)

Randal-Yeah, but deep down you gotta love the peaceful tranquility of it all. (Dante shuts the outer door, and turns to Randal)

Dante-What the hell are you talking about? Peaceful tranquility? I don’t even know why I… (Decides not to pursue the conversation.) See ya tomorrow?

Randal-Are you kidding, wouldn’t miss it for the world.

The Black Duck Always Travels in the Middle of the Group

As I gazed across the park, I saw her. It seemed as if I was in a dream. So long I had waited for this moment to occur. For six long months my mind had conjured up a scene very similar to this. I knew that this situation had to be handled carefully, or else history would repeat itself, and I would lose someone I had once cared about deeply…again.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly placed one foot on the grass and started my journey. Each step further I took my feet seemed to gain weight and wanted to move less. I made myself go on. If I didn’t do this, my psyche would be thrust back into turmoil for who knows how long. She stood there looking out into the ocean. I wondered what does she think about? Would she even remember me? Of course she would. What had she been up to? Who has she been with? Sweat began to bead on my forehead as I approached the swing set.
I was near the see-saws when she slowly turned and began to walk off. No, I could not let this happen. I wouldn’t put myself through this again. She was walking faster than I down the boardwalk, and as such I was losing ground. Looking down at my legs I noticed they were moving faster than before. Emotion was winning out. Soon I was jogging, and finally broke into a full run. The gap was closing; soon I would be right behind her. Finally, I reached out, stretching as far as I could, and grabber her shoulder.
She spun around, with a content face. “Hello Jonathon.”
I looked into her deep ageless eyes. “Hi mom.”